tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
