my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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