im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
