Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
