tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
