You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
