Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
