and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
