We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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