I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
