Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
