just come out here and I will go home with you...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
