it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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