Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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