Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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