I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
