were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
