i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
