Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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