I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
