wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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