Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
