i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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