shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
don't judge my taste in strippers
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
