I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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