no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
