I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
