I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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