Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
