Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I want her autograph on my taint
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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