I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
