The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
