White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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