Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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