mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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