Betty ford says i'm here all night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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