the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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