you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
