We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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