so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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