Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
