did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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