I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
