Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
