i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
