you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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