oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
