I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
