just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
