I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
