It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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