My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
