they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
